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Funny One-Liners Jokes
 You're here » Jokes » Funny One-Liners Jokes » Famous People Quotes

Category: Clean Funny One-Liners Jokes
       Clean Christian jokes, funny jokes, free jokes, and clean one-liner jokes and words of wit and wisdom.

 Famous People Quotes 

      I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple
      
      If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars
      
      A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope
      
      I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer
      
      I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes
      
      It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling
      
      Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
      
      Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs
      
      Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken
      
      A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
      
      Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry
      
      This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague
      
      Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop
      
      The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate --Franklin P. Jones
      
      Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers
      
      When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.--Norm Crosby
      
      The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado
      
      I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman
      
      The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno
      
      It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg
      
      Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz
      
      A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken
      
      It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

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